REMEMBERING A MOM

Four years since my mother passed away. Sometimes the memories come to light. Like homemade fudge and pies. Painting things gold in our childhood home when gold was a fad. Camping and canned beans. Love of family. Eccentricities and interesting views of life- like the children of Mu phase. Hosting everyone in the home in Westbank- when moving west told everyone to come and visit us- which of course hoards of people did for years and years. Learning to drive at a later age so she could get out of the house to shop! Mom is Mom!

NANA SAYS DON'T BE A MARTYR MOM

Parenting brings lots of work and busyness for any parent. Regardless of the help and participation Dads bring to the table, many tasks and activities continue to fall to Moms. Learning how to share the load and encouraging children-even little ones to do some tasks takes time and dedication. Often it is just easier to do it yourself!! However, there can be a banner carried secretly by showing the world- look at me, look at what I am doing, look at how busy I am- my busy is busier than your busy! Finding ways to find time to do things that are not parenting things can be difficult. Yes I know- many people have Nannies and full time housekeepers- those mothers have it very easy. I am talking about the couples who do it all themselves. The Mom with the full time job, cleans their own home and the numerous lessons is the one I worry will not know when to stop. Using other generations in the family can be helpful. My husband and I do provide some overnight babysitting so the couples in our lives can have a "date night" alone without the children. As long as they make a deal not to talk about the children. So Moms find ways to find yourself. Many women like the idea of gym time, go for a run or walk, clubs, committees or other activities outside the home that do not include their normal chores. For the generations before you- we get it, we have done that and been there. No one said raising a family would be easy!

NANA SAYS MOTHERS' DAY CAN BE SPECIAL

For young mothers, Mothers' Day is another work day. Often needing to do something for  a mother or mother-in-law gets in the way of just staying home and celebrating with the family. Receiving hand made cards and items from children is the norm. Going to over crowded restaurants with many other families may not be the most fun. Taking a step back and reflecting on why becoming a mother was so important can make the day very special. Why do you love your children? What have your children taught you about yourself? What have you learned about unconditional love? What do your children do that makes you "crazy"? What would your life be like without children? In the end it is just another day. Some people say invented by the greeting card companies to sell more cards. To all the Moms out there, have a special day! You sure deserve it!

BE A FRIEND TO HAVE A FRIEND

What is a friend? How does a new acquaintance become a friend? What draws us to certain people? Why is there such an incredible loss when we lose a friend- dies, moves away or dumps us?A childhood friend can decide you are not cool anymore! Some family members can be friends. Many children from large families only have their siblings as friends. New additions to families like a sweet sister-in-law can be a friend. And sometimes not! There are work friends-male and female. Although the old adage is a man can not have a woman as a friend. I don't believe this. I have had male friends because I don't make it sexual. Very simple!  Gay men make great friends! Sometimes cousins become friends! There is a blood connection as well as understanding the family dynamics. As a mother, I am not my child's friend but I can be supportive, friendly, loving and understanding. My children need to have their own friends. It is good to have friends of all ages. I can be the wise woman or just an old lady younger people like to have around for guidance! So are you a good friend! Do you like the company of your friends? Names like Rose, Mary, Larry, Lynda and others come to mind! Even my sister Marilee is a good friend! Who would your people be?

CHRISTMAS HELPS US MISS AND REMEMBER THOSE WE LOVE

The first Christmas without a loved one is different. This is the first Christmas both my son-in-law and I do not have our Moms. Even though I did not spend Chrismas with my Mom the last few years as she would not travel much after the age of 80, there is still the reminder she is not here. The special gift or flower arrangement or card are not on my list anymore. Even when marriages happen and children must go to more than one function, sorting out whose house and what day, what time they will spend with which family can be complicated or not. Family moves away and the distance is felt at Christmas. All the texting, emails and phone calls does not make up for the person not being in the room or at the dinner table. Having some reminders of the person can help. My Mom was a "depression" Mom. She lived through the Great Depression and did not receive much at Christmas time so she tried to make Christmas special for us. Our stocking always had a large delicious apple in it along with other treats. So each Christmas I must have some delicious apples in a basket on the table. Red carnations remind my husband of his Mom. So traditions can include little things that have meaning to the people present without being morbid! All the letters, cards and emails received can be displayed in a prominent place. Remembering people we love is a good way to honour family and life! Do you do something meaningful for the lost ones in your life? Do you have little traditions unique to you?

REMEMBERING OUR LOVED ONES IN SPECIAL WAYS

When someone dies, we all worry about keeping their memory alive. We are often told we forgot how their voice sounded. Pictures are plentiful but we often wish we had taken more or just one last one. There are special ways to keep the person with us. Planting a magnolia tree worked for a family! The beautiful blossoms in the spring will be a reminder. Buying a special toy for the toy drive every year to keep a lost baby's memory alive and to help a child needing a toy.

Turning the negative into something positive. Like planting some pink roses in the garden to remember a Mom's birthday!
What have you done to honour a lost loved one?

FAMILIES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES

Family means different things to different people. In the end, it is a bunch of people, animals or even ducks that are related to each other by blood. Good, bad or indifferent- we either love each other or try to tolerate each other with minimal involvement. Some family members always prefer their friends to family. Excuses why visits can not occur! There is something, however, about the bonds of family that do tie us together. We marry into families so we are not accountable for our in-laws or other family members to whom we are not related by blood. When my children have concerns about their Dad, I just tell them I married him- you are related by blood! So if there are aspects they do not like, well the little old acorn does not fall from the tree! Family and all the warts- would rather have family than not all! How about you- how's your family?

NANA SAYS PARENTING TEACHES PATIENCE

Patience often means learning to wait. When pregnant, must wait until the baby is ready to come. Wait until the baby finishes eating. Wait for the burp! Wait until the crying is over and the baby can be put down! Wait for the toddler to put on his/her own shoes! Getting children organized so you can leave on time. Letting children learn at their own pace takes patience. The teenager and the curfew-waiting until the last one is home. If you do not learn to be more patient as a parent then you do not get parenting. Parenting is about teaching and helping the children in your life to learn. Learn manners, respect for others and of course about relationships and what it means to love someone. Our ability to be patient with the little ones and even older- teenagers, young 20's we allow the children to be what they need to be. The cases I would have in family therapy cases often was just the miscommunication and trying to have the child be something the parents wanted. An example, a teenage girl was having problems at school and was skipping class. The mother was focussed on how clean the house should be. The girl did not polish the water spots on the bathroom taps. It was her house and she wanted things a certain way! Hum!  Having a discussion about patience and trying to see what the child needed. Using narrative therapy techniques- the problem is the problem, not the person! Why is the child avoiding school? Engaging the whole family in the process of change can take a lot of patience on the part of the counsellor/therapist. Patience is more than a virtue, it is a necessity in parenting. Stop expecting the preschooler to be more in control of his/her feelings than the average adult! Really listen and try to understand what is going on! Be patient! By being patient, often the real issue emerges! Do you think you are a patient person? What do you use to stay grounded and wait for the other person to be ready?

DENIAL-THAT POWERFUL DEFENSE MECHANISM

Is a wonderful way to avoid the inevitable. In a crisis situation, it can be debilitating, however. Facing a reality in front of us is painful and soul searching. Aging, the critical illness of a loved one, worried a new baby may have special needs, relationship going sour- can all be kept in check by denying there is a problem. Why do people need to deny? Is the pain just too much to face what is happening? Yes and no. It is self-protective. What do you do when someone is in denial? Listen! Support! It is the other person's process. That person must reach the end of the journey when ready and emotionally able. My recent journey with the end of my mother's life was such an example. Each of us saw the situation differently. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. In my clinical work, recognizing and facilitating a family through a process can take great skill and patience. I sat at a death bed years ago with a daughter and when asking her how her mother looked, she clearly said she would get better. She died that night. She could not see what everyone else knew to be happening. Denial. If someone around you needs to be in denial, be kind, be patient. Ask the relevant questions. What do you think is happening? What is your worst fear? How can I help you? If you know the person well- bring favourite food, flowers, a book. Being there for the person is the best support. If you are struggling with a situation, write me at abdm@rogers.com or put a comment here so we can dialogue about your situation.

NANA SAYS THE DEATH OF A GRANDPARENT MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS

To each grandchild. We all have our own memories and a special place in our hearts for our grandparents. Some children have the privilege of spending more time with them. Sleepovers, summer vacations, family dinners are some of the normal family events in any family. It is emotionally very grounding to have several adult relationships as a young child- our grandparents give us that unconditional love and acceptance. Little grandchildren let the older adult play and be a child again. When a grandparent dies, a generation ahead of us starts to fall away. For some, this person could be a great-grandparent! When my own mother died at 89 and 1/2  years recently, it was endearing to hear the various stories and recollections from each grandchild- my own children and my nieces and nephews. Writing them down in the family history binders will keep them for the next generations. Who was this person- Nana to them! No matter what you call your grandmother- granma, grannie, nonna, omi- she loved you- you were part of her life and legacy. As a nana myself, being a grandparent is such s wonderful role. I know my mother would be so touched by the people in her life. Do you have a grandparent? Then reach out and give him or her a hug! Cherish the time you have and know you are lucky to have such caring people like grandparents in your life.

WRITING THE FAMILY EULOGY

How to summarize someone's life is a major endeavor. A little history, some favourite activities, some humourous but not off colour stories, and the emotional piece kept in check. Including family that can not get up to speak but honouring them as well. Have you ever had to write the eulogy and present at a loved one's funeral? I had the honour to talk about my Mom. Rest in peace, Momsie!

THE BIGGER PICTURE

By looking out a window from several stories high in any building, we can see a broader view of any location. Like the picture above- trees, old train, new bus, modern buildings, people, garbage cans, circular city park and so on. Using our observation skills to determine what is there. But really looking! As we watch the scene it is in constant flux! In our lives it is a good exercise to take a step back, up, down or any direction, to gain some perspective and insight. For example, I took clusters of pictures from different stages of my life and family groups- my dad's side and my mother's side that had been in separate albums and put them under one roof- well it really is one album. To see my life together from one place. I weeded some pictures to give to others that may enjoy them better. Seeing a parent as a baby may be enjoyable to adult nieces and nephews. How many baby pictures do I need of my siblings? And duplicates? My view of my family has changed over the years. I am becoming the older generation very quickly as my parents are reaching the end. I find myself wanting to let go of some things but not sure what! When I climb a little higher and view again, it may become clearer! Do you like to take in larger views to reflect on your life? Can you just stop and see what is around you? Hurrying and missing parts of your life can be a habit! Can you find a spot that is enjoyable to you? Look at the picture again- do you see something different now?

A PURPLE MUM

The Flower-not the person. What a wonderful name for Fall flowers- Mums! The array of colour that can be added in pots to the porch or planted in the garden as the summer flowers are brown, wilted or just removed from the beds. The last bastion of live growth before the snow flies. As the leaves have turned their colours and many trees are now bare, Mums give us some needed hope! Like the people Moms! Too bad there is not a flower called Dads! They give lots of hope too!

THE WARNING SIGNS

There can be many warnings in our lives of things to come. A weather watch- severe storm coming. Pain in our bodies- warning there could be a health issue. Mother's voice- I warned you not to do that and look what happened! Sometimes the warnings we receive are just that- warnings, nothing happens. So we become complacent! It is hard to decipher which warnings to take as gospel and which ones to forget. Some cultures have many superstitions that read like warnings. Like today when taking to a family member- I did the knock on wood gesture. Why? Was it a warning not to jinx the situation? It actually is a useless thing to do. Who started the knock on wood to fend off bad luck? We all do it on occasion- but why? Do you heed warnings in your life?

INSIGHT

Can come at the oddest moments in our lives. We can be looking at a situation from one direction, then the wind blows and we see it from the new perspective. A new understanding occurs. In a therapeutic process, the counsellor facilitates the linkages between the cause and the effect for the individual. The insight must come from the person in order to gain his/her own personal understanding. The dictionary meaning simply says- insight is the capacity of understanding hidden truths. For all of us, the connections will not be the same. One event does not have the same exact impact on everyone. For example, both my mother and a good friend of hers had lost their mothers at a very young age. One day when Arlene was visiting and discussing circumstances about an elderly aunt that she always helped. She had been very involved in her life even though the aunt did not seem to appreciate it. The aunt was related to her deceased mother. I remember remarking to her that she might just be a mother substitute for her. It was as if a light went off in Arlene's head. She stated do you mean I have been looking for my mother all these years? Insight. It gave her a renewed perspective and acceptance that she would continue to help the aunt. The relationship was vital to her. She had a much needed daughter role. What amazes me about insight is the time it may take to occur! Often in my life, I have questioned myself. Why didn't I figure something out sooner? We can hear our own voices saying the solution was right under our noses all the time. Perhaps we are not ready to accept the insightful meanings to events. Perhaps it is the living and the paths we take that bring us to them when we are ready. Have you had any new insightful moments recently? Do you have a story?

TIME

Everyone has 24 hours in a day. How often do we hear- I do not have enough time! Some people just get more done in a day but often hear from others- I would do that if only I had the time. Time flies when you're having fun! Time definitely does not fly when sitting in a dentist's chair for a cleaning! The game was saved in the nick of time! Yes just before the clock ran out! Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle song was somewhat ironic due to his untimely death. Time marches on! That movie, book, event was a waste of time! How many times do I have to tell you not to do that is a favourite line of every mother! Where did the time go when we speak about aging! Time heals all wounds- usually if you have good stitches and remember to clean the wound! Time to get up! Time to go to bed! Time to eat lunch! Work's over- time to go home. That party- wasn't it a good time! Come by any time! Oh it's late, time to finish! By the way do you know what time it is? My husband always says- it's howdie dowdie time! A moment in time is every snapshot's message! A time to laugh and a time to cry comes from the Bible! What comes to mind when you hear the word time?