DENIAL-THAT POWERFUL DEFENSE MECHANISM

Is a wonderful way to avoid the inevitable. In a crisis situation, it can be debilitating, however. Facing a reality in front of us is painful and soul searching. Aging, the critical illness of a loved one, worried a new baby may have special needs, relationship going sour- can all be kept in check by denying there is a problem. Why do people need to deny? Is the pain just too much to face what is happening? Yes and no. It is self-protective. What do you do when someone is in denial? Listen! Support! It is the other person's process. That person must reach the end of the journey when ready and emotionally able. My recent journey with the end of my mother's life was such an example. Each of us saw the situation differently. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. In my clinical work, recognizing and facilitating a family through a process can take great skill and patience. I sat at a death bed years ago with a daughter and when asking her how her mother looked, she clearly said she would get better. She died that night. She could not see what everyone else knew to be happening. Denial. If someone around you needs to be in denial, be kind, be patient. Ask the relevant questions. What do you think is happening? What is your worst fear? How can I help you? If you know the person well- bring favourite food, flowers, a book. Being there for the person is the best support. If you are struggling with a situation, write me at abdm@rogers.com or put a comment here so we can dialogue about your situation.

WRITING YOUR FEELINGS DOWN

In my youth I wrote poetry to express my feelings. I look at some of those poems now finding them lame!
The other day I found myself writing this poem

SLOW DOWN AND GRIEVE, IT'S OKAY
TO THINK ABOUT HER TODAY.

THE LAST FEW MONTHS OF PAIN
ARE OVER BUT THE FEELINGS REMAIN.

WHY THE SUFFERING, WHY THE DECLINE?
THE THOUGHTS AND FEARS WERE MORE THAN MINE.

SHE CHOSE THE MOMENT TO LEAVE
LETTING SOME DOUBTERS NOW BELIEVE.

HER LIFE WAS A NORMAL ONE
UPS AND DOWNS THEN SOME FUN.

GOODBYE FOR NOW SWEET MAY
WE WILL SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY.

It helped in the moment and amazed me it just came from nowhere. Putting thoughts to paper, or drawing a picture or playing, writing a tune are some of the ways to process our feelings. I guess it does not matter if my poem is lame, it worked helping me get through a day. Have you processed your thoughts and feelings through writing or creating a functional item? Letting your true feelings emerge helps with any situation you are trying to muddle through! Tell me your stories!

LIFE TRANSITIONS

When the kids go to college, you become the caregiver for your parents, retirement are all hard transitions. There is a grieving process that accompanies each one. Are you going through a rough transition? Are you avoiding the true feelings it brings? Reality is the best remedy. Pretending all will be well is just avoiding the issue. Let's talk.