NANA SAYS PARENTING TEACHES PATIENCE

Patience often means learning to wait. When pregnant, must wait until the baby is ready to come. Wait until the baby finishes eating. Wait for the burp! Wait until the crying is over and the baby can be put down! Wait for the toddler to put on his/her own shoes! Getting children organized so you can leave on time. Letting children learn at their own pace takes patience. The teenager and the curfew-waiting until the last one is home. If you do not learn to be more patient as a parent then you do not get parenting. Parenting is about teaching and helping the children in your life to learn. Learn manners, respect for others and of course about relationships and what it means to love someone. Our ability to be patient with the little ones and even older- teenagers, young 20's we allow the children to be what they need to be. The cases I would have in family therapy cases often was just the miscommunication and trying to have the child be something the parents wanted. An example, a teenage girl was having problems at school and was skipping class. The mother was focussed on how clean the house should be. The girl did not polish the water spots on the bathroom taps. It was her house and she wanted things a certain way! Hum!  Having a discussion about patience and trying to see what the child needed. Using narrative therapy techniques- the problem is the problem, not the person! Why is the child avoiding school? Engaging the whole family in the process of change can take a lot of patience on the part of the counsellor/therapist. Patience is more than a virtue, it is a necessity in parenting. Stop expecting the preschooler to be more in control of his/her feelings than the average adult! Really listen and try to understand what is going on! Be patient! By being patient, often the real issue emerges! Do you think you are a patient person? What do you use to stay grounded and wait for the other person to be ready?

THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

I bought these souvenirs in Rome on one trip years ago near the Chiesa della Verita- The Church of the Truth. The large one in the wall tells visitors to put your hand in and if you tell the truth you can pull it out. If you lie, the mouth will close on your hand. It is amazing how many people just take pictures and do not put their hand in the mouth. Why would honest people worry? It is not a lie detector. Just a myth and a fun thing to do. What is it about the truth? Philosophers for centuries have debated this moral virtue. Don't lie, tell me the truth is a Mommy saying! Whose truth? Whose side of the story? If you are a psychopath, you could put your hand in the mouth without a fear! Being truthful means to be trusted! Once someone has lied to us, it is funny that anything we are told after is always questioned, even if in our heads and not out loud to the person! It is such a noble virtue that most really truthful people will admit to an occasional little white lie! Do you like my new hair style? Yes, it looks so good on you! Did not want to hurt the person's feelings! To little children- you did a good job on making the bed- even if it is lumpy! Did not want to hurt those little feelings! We can cushion our words so they do not come out as a lie- white or otherwise! As long as you like your hair that's all that matters! Did you do your best in making the bed- then it is a good job! Do we always want to tell our spouse or friends the truth about their annoying habits? Do we will really want to hear about ours?  Is not telling being dishonest or just considerate? We sometimes say, I did not tell you the whole story! So are you ready to put your hand in the mouth? Would you risk it? The truth and nothing but the truth very hard to do all the time. The truth is I try my best to be as truthful as possible without being unkind. Sometimes I just keep my mouth shut! That's the truth!

IS PATIENCE A VIRTUE?

My husband's Nonna used to say- hai pazienza! Have patience! She was the sweetest person- Nonna Maria. She had a tough life- lost her husband in World War One and had to live with her in-laws. Later in life she lived with her son and family- my husband's family. I am sure it was not the easiest life- going from your father's home to the in-law's home to your son's home- she never really had her own place. Yet, she was not bothered by it. Would a modern woman be able to tolerate that life- I doubt it. To live on one's own is a cherished goal. So patience in life comes with a cost. To be able to tolerate the follies of others- work mates, little children, family member's habits and concerns is patience. But is it a strength! Sometimes is it better to tell the person in the situation to bug off- I don't have time for you! Or is it better to let the others come to their own conclusion and suffer the consequences of their actions? Waiting in line- I can be patient but often feel perturbed by others who huff and puff because they have to wait! If you needed to be first then come earlier- does last minute Christmas shopping come to mind! In the hospital for example, it is not first come first served- it is most urgent backwards for care. We had a patient waiting for surgey. A family member was pushing -he will have surgery today! Explanation- on the trauma block but if someone more urgent comes in through the hospital door then he could be bumped and with a trailer- not first come first served! She was very rude saying well it should be. Trying to explain we are not a department store or a restaurant- our business is trying to save lives. Yes, waiting for non-urgent surgery is difficult but no consideration for anyone else's health risk is actually quite selfish.
Waiting for anything does try our patience!!!
Little children need our patience. They just take longer to do things. Little fingers, tough buttons! Wanting to try and do it their way. Sometimes their behaviour is to try to please us so if we have patience we may actually come to that conclusion.
Does being patient demonstrate by example caring and loving the person? My children often tell me I let them be who they needed to be and not who I thought they should be. It was not always easy as most parents know- our children do try our patience!! What do I have- adult children who are responsible, loving, caring people! So patience can give rewards. But is it a virtue? It does help us control our feelings especially anger. It helps us bite our tongue and not say every cruel thought that flies into our head. It can help us to disfuse a dicey situation by thinking and not reacting. With patience, we can say- this too shall pass! What do you think? Virtue? Strength? Character flaw? Do you have patience?