PROJECTION-THAT SELF REVEALING DEFENSE MECHANISM

We all have ways to protect ourselves and our feelings. In the counselling process, helping the client to understand his/her own issues is a major part of the interaction. In daily life, with friends and colleagues listening and talking are different processes. However, it is easy to start to understand how others defend themselves. Projection abounds everywhere. How we talk and criticize others usually tells us a lot about ourselves. It is okay to dislike bad behaviour or criminals or con artists. The little criticisms we make about people are very revealing. "Her hair does not suit her- why do you care, it's her hair?" " I really would not want to be the manager- nobody likes you! So you don't like the manager" " She is always so critical of everyone! How critical are you?" " He thinks he is the biggest and most special person! Do you want to be that person?" There is one colleague who always tries to find the achilles heel with everyone- way of finding power! Powerless in the job but power in putting down others- in a joking way, of course! How often do you hear- you are just taking things too personally! What's the matter can't you take a joke? Or " that person is so unhappy in the job! " Is it the other person or the person who is talking that is really unhappy? If you put I in your conversations and take ownership of what you think or feel, then projection goes out the window. " I don't like critical people. I work hard at trying to stay neutral. I don't like myself when I am too critical." In our material world, there are lots of jealousies of how much money people make and what car they drive and how big their house is and the list could go on!! Projection can appear in these conversations all the time. " Most rich people are really unhappy and make terrible parents!" Usually the person talking would not admit, he/she wants to have all those things and more. Why not admit it? Why- it is easier to pretend that the person talking has it all together! " I have no faults but everyone else does!" Those faults you describe in others may be your very own!

DENIAL-THAT POWERFUL DEFENSE MECHANISM

Is a wonderful way to avoid the inevitable. In a crisis situation, it can be debilitating, however. Facing a reality in front of us is painful and soul searching. Aging, the critical illness of a loved one, worried a new baby may have special needs, relationship going sour- can all be kept in check by denying there is a problem. Why do people need to deny? Is the pain just too much to face what is happening? Yes and no. It is self-protective. What do you do when someone is in denial? Listen! Support! It is the other person's process. That person must reach the end of the journey when ready and emotionally able. My recent journey with the end of my mother's life was such an example. Each of us saw the situation differently. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. In my clinical work, recognizing and facilitating a family through a process can take great skill and patience. I sat at a death bed years ago with a daughter and when asking her how her mother looked, she clearly said she would get better. She died that night. She could not see what everyone else knew to be happening. Denial. If someone around you needs to be in denial, be kind, be patient. Ask the relevant questions. What do you think is happening? What is your worst fear? How can I help you? If you know the person well- bring favourite food, flowers, a book. Being there for the person is the best support. If you are struggling with a situation, write me at abdm@rogers.com or put a comment here so we can dialogue about your situation.

DENIAL-THAT HELPFUL LITTLE DEFENSE MECHANISM

In therapy, it is the responsibility of the therapist to help the client move forward and process issues and to help identify avoidances. However, removing a protective defense mechanism must be at an important time in the therapeutic process.The client can be lead to its identification but the therapist does not remove it. Sometimes it is just left alone. So denial! In the real world, it is all around us. Often it helps us through difficult times. We usually recognize it in others. Harder to recognize it in ourselves. For many denial is not the defense mechanism of choice. I believe mine is intellectualization! Back to denial! In many situations, such as family conflict, different family members can be at different stages of the process. Since it is a crisis, sometimes the best emerges but often the worst emerges. There can be name calling and put downs from very interesting directions. If one family member gets it, but another really wants to deny the crisis, there is little that can be done. Family member, not a therapist! If the younger child gets it, but the older child does not, then the situation can become difficult. " I am older, I know more." Even if all the children are middle age! There is no reasoning! Denial is so protective. So what can be done! For me, I stop talking, I stop trying to present reason and I do what needs to be done quietly and efficiently so when the next step in the process occurs I am already there. My little saying- what will be, will be! However, for me, from a very young age, I was very perceptive and saw what needed to be done. Perhaps, that is why I chose Social Work-Counselling. I can't fix a car engine nor be a finacial analyst! But if you need some facilitation through a difficult process- well I am there! What do you think about denial? Do you think you use it through tough times? Can you identify your own personal defense mechanism? Do you really believe we all have them? Or do you think self examination is a waste of time? My profession is one that many have put down! Even from some people in my own family! In a crisis it would be so helpful for respect from all directions. Alas, everyone retreats to their own way of doing things- even if it is hurtful to other family members. Denial? Why do you feel that way? You are just too sensitive! You are taking things too personally! Denial? Rears itself and protects! Are you denying anything today?

PROJECTION-THAT LITTLE DEFENSE MECHANISM

We all like to feel we have something different than other people. Criticizing others must make us stop and analyse what we are saying. In life it is too easy to project all our faults on others. Projection is such a defense mechanism. Remember if you are pointing a finger at someone- three fingers are pointing back at you! Extreme thinking- religious zeal- racial slurring are times to look at the situation and ask what is that person hiding! Shakespere said it best- I think you doeth protest too much! Do you recognize such feelings? Do you see them in others? How do you deal with the situation?