CHILDREN OF DIVORCE

Couples divorce but children do not divorce their parents. They have a right to love both parents for the rest of their lives. Changes to the Divorce Act in Canada confirmed this concept a few years ago. As a product of divorce, the word has been a part of my consciousness for my whole life.

Aunts, uncles, siblings, brother-in-law, cousins have experienced divorce that I believe I know this subject too well. It has surrounded me. Do I like Divorce? No I do not. Is it better that children have two parents that love them? Absolutely! In my marriage, I tried very hard to make it work. I wanted my children to have something I did not. An intact family! Blended families work, step-parents work, step-siblings work. But it does cause some complications..

Divorce in the 1950's was very different than divorce today. It is more acceptable today. You are not labelled as being from a "Broken Family".

Acceptable, but equally as hard for the children. Parents separating is a loss of family, identity. The child always carries some baggage, remorse, hope for a better future. Some couples are able to talk with each other for the child's sake. However, the anger over the marriage breakdown can play out through the children. What advice can I give? Allow your child to love whoever he/she wants? Don't try to have the child take sides! Try not to say bad things about the other parent- this one is the toughest! Have you been a child of divorce? Are you with someone who is divorced and have inherited the children, grandchildren? How would you treat your children with respect and the right to love both parents?

BRICK LAYING- AN ANCIENT TECHNIQUE

An old cobblestone street in the Distillary District Toronto is so indicative of ancient roads. In Pompei, the roads were similar and at the base of the mountain in my husband's hometown of Cassino, an old Roman road has lasted for two thousand years. The old churches, the pyramids all use the technique of bricklaying. Visit any modern subdivision- yes houses still are being bricked. Do you ever wonder who really invented the craft? Imagine the royalites for a technique that has no recorded start date. Does it now amaze you that no matter how modern we are with computers, cell phones, large screens, that no one has improved on the art of bricklaying. Houses can be formed with large blocks of concrete but really it is not the same. Can you think of other ancient items that still exist in our modern times?

CELTIC ROOTS

The Celts were those strong, ferocious tribes that ruled Norhtern Europe over two thousand years ago. Their roots begin in prehistory. Their original home was the Rhine.They almost conquered Rome but were turned away. What would the history of Italy have looked like if they had won.? Celtic symbols permeate our culture. Ireland is a testomonial to that heritage. Rome never conquered Ireland so many Celtic influences were not touched. The Gallic Language which is spoken in Scotland and Ireland to this day. Other areas with Celtic influence are Wales and Manx.The Celtic Cross. Celtic drawings that wave into themselves. Celtic calligraphy. They are symbols of Celtic culture. As people migrated to other areas, Celtic influences prevailed. As can been by the Cross on an Anglican Church in Toronto. I have some Celtic roots. What about you? Do you like the art, the symbols of those people?

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

Anticipatory grief starts to occur when we start to feel at a deeper level we are losing someone or something we love. We can begin to feel sad, cry, numbed out as the journey starts to become painful. Sitting beside the bed of a loved one who is dying conjures it up. The sense of loss is overwhelming. Moving, changing jobs, a child going to university away from home, the beginning of the empty nest syndrome, changing health can have aspects of grief. We begin to mourn sometimes even before we consciously realize that the feeling is there. Seeing loved ones changing and feeling helpless brings grief. Many adult children watch their parents slowly changing before their eyes. Are you struggling with a heavy heart? Do you think you may be having some anticipatory grief about the situation? Let your feelings evolve and grieve.

THE TOTEM POLE

We think of the Tolem Pole as a West Coast Icon belonging to groups such as the Haida and Nisga's people. It is a source of history, culture, supernatural using symbols- often of animals - like the beaver and birds- the raven. It was a way to perserve the culture. Carved from a beautiful tree found

in the forest the carver would create the story. The pole could commemorate family origins, rights, privileges, experiences and achievements. In Toronto, at the Royal Ontario Museum there are four totem poles. As a young girl, I remember well a staircase that had one in the middle. It seemed so huge. No Canadian souvenir shop is without a totem pole. In British Columbia they are even more prevalent and can be bought ranging in many different sizes. Tourists leaving BC with have at least one. Modern carvers will use modern tools as well as traditional ones to create their poles. Watching BRAVO today it was interesting to view a modern carver at work. He started creating poles as a hobby then it became a livelihood for him. The work and skill involved are so artistic. Sometimes it is said the most important symbol is at the top and the least significant at the bottom. As in our slang language- the lowest person on the Totem Pole. Or the reverse can be true- the most important at the bottom. I see it as the foundation that holds the piece together. If the pole is seen as a family, then the strongest is at the bottom supporting everyone. I often view Totem Poles as a family's history with overt meaning but also subtle symbols that must be sought out by studying the piece. In family therapy, I have used the totem pole as a way for a family to illustrate their unique system. Each member creates their own pole and tells why they have used the symbols, colours or ideas. Much can be learnt by the symbol of the Totem Pole representing the troubled family. It is good for children to make one as a craft just for fun too!

If you were to create your own totem pole, what would it look like? What symbols represent you or your family? Would it be colourful? What story would it tell?

GOING PLACES

We can have a sense of adventure and want to follow the tracks to wherever they lead. Do you have a sense of an adventure?Do you see it when you look in the distance after viewing this picture? Do you feel you want to hop on a train and just go where it takes you? There are days we all would like to escape the daily grind of our lives. We can feel stuck. Life is passing by us. We all need a break, a vacation, a change in routine. If you can not go somewhere exotic, are there small things you can do in your day to bring some joy? What are your special pleasures? Do you have ways to help you feel you are going somewhere? Or would you really like to jump on the train, the next plane or your car to take you to another place?

NEW PARENTS

A baby comes into a couple's life and a new family evolves. New parents need all the love and support the family and friends can give. They also need breathing room as advice comes from all directions. Swaddle the baby, don't worry about swaddling. Breast feeding, never put a bottle in the baby's mouth. Oh, it's okay to supplement. Each baby has a little personality from birth. Each baby may need a slightly different approach than another. Some little ones need more holding and cuddling- that's why infant carriers are so handy. Just when there seemd to be a routine, the baby changes to the next level. That first year and beyond is the oral stage. The mouth needs so much stimulation. Why do some people pull that little hand out of the mouth? Learning about the stages of development is crucial. It helps to understand what are normal stages and expectations. Then your little baby is unique to your circumstances. Supportive grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends help round off the demands made in your life. Use them wisely. Do you have a new baby in your family system? Isn't it joyous?

THE FALL OF OUR LIVES

When we reflect on the seasons it often can coincide with the stages of our lives. Fall always brings images of middle age. Remorse summer is over and the uncertainity of what type of Fall. Will it be an Indian Summer with warm days mingled around the cool nights? Will the harvest be bountiful? The trees in their changing colours- will they be beautiful? We say goodbye to many birds and butterflies as they head south but prepare to help feed the ones that remain year round. Fall can bring the rewards of all the seasons. As our relationships change with people in our lives- children have moved out and started families, friends downsize and perhaps relocate, some important members pass away- we tend to value our loved ones more. It can be a time to decide what do I really want to do with the rest of my life. An urgency to complete some projects and a desire to start some new ones. A time to reconnect with people in our lives. Visit old haunts. A time to decide life is really worth living and live it. How do you feel about Fall? Does it bring different images to you? Are you younger but look at the folks in your life hoping they are enjoying their accomplishments? Are you in the Fall of your life?

BLANKETS

Blankets keep us warm. We have blankets in many areas of our lives. On our bed. In the car. By our favourite chair, on the couch. Babies are wrapped in a blanket- swaddled by some that say swaddling comforts them. If it is a stressful day, we pull the covers up and hide under our blankets. Little children may drag their blankets around the house. Security blanket! Don't take it away!

I started making blankets years ago. Liked quilts so made a few of those. Crocheted or knitted afghans over the years for every room except the kitchen and dining room- not the bathroom, of course. Made many more and gave them away to family and friends as gifts. Lately baby blankets have been my passion- for my own grandchildren and my girls' friends who have started to have babies. I like the way the blanket conjures up many happy thoughts. Were you ever tucked in bed with your blanket by someone you love? Have you started to drift off to sleep and someone covers you with a blanket to keep you warm? Of course couples do many wonderful things under the covers! And sometimes over them! Duvets, bedspreads, can be very costly and elegant. The blanket has status if bought at the right trendy store. The electric blanket- a typical wedding gift in the 1970's. What about the traditional Canadian blanket- the Hudson Bay one. Are any of your relatives a wet blanket? Do you have a favourite blanket? Have I blanketed you with enough ideas.

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MUSIC SOOTHES THE SOUL

It is said music mimacs the human heartbeat. It is what babies hear when in the womb. For most of us there are songs, melodies that trigger so many memories. The song we danced at our wedding. Amazing Grace sung at so many funerals. The music from Marching Bands. Christmas Caroles. Campfire tunes. Nursery Rhymes sung to our babies. On my first encounter with Adolph- Si Si Rider still bring those memories. Yellow River playing while we were in Hawaii during our Honeymoon. Some groups just have too many songs to mention them all- The Beatles from my youth still carry some weight in musical circles. Classical music as background to many movies, themes, ballets. Reading a book with music. Club music that makes us hop. Music geared to an individual culture. The song- I Believe - from the 2010 Olympics will always be with me. From the Lion King- Can you feel the Love tonight- Adolph and Natasha did their Father-Daughter dance to it. Muscials we have seen give a feel good feeling. Some groups or singers albums just have so many songs that we listen to them over and over for years and years. Favourite couples dance music. Just dancing with someone you love ! Do you ever feel the artist is singing the song just for you? Have some songs carried you through a depressive situation? Does some music make you cry, laugh, sing, rejoice? I could not imagine my life without music in the foreground sometimes and the background other times. What does music do for you? Has there been a time when it saved the moment?

PATIENCE

Good things come to those who wait. Do not know who wrote this quote but sometimes doing nothing and letting life happen can bring positive results. Lately I have found myself trying to solve some very difficult life problems. Some of the players did not get it!! Taking a step back and letting the situation play is so difficult especially when matters could be life or death. I always talk about being at step 20 when others are still at step 2. It is easy with a child as we must have patience to let the child learn and grow. With other adults in our lives patience is much harder. It is not about being right as it is about needing to do the right thing- and sooner rather than later. Have you had difficulty trying to be patient with loved ones? Has it been hard to do nothing when you have the answer and must wait until those around you catch up with you? Waiting is a risk because events can fall apart if the wait is too long. Patience takes more energy than just forging ahead. Do you consider yourself a patient person?

HONESTY

Honesty is the best answer to most situations. When we tell the truth, we do not have to remember what we told to what person. One can have privacy. Simply do not share with everyone all the information about us. If we are uncomfortable answering something personal, it is best to say - I don't want to share that information. We can be painted into a corner- what do you think of my new hair cut, do you like my new girlfriend, do you like my new outfit??? It is hard to be truthful when the goal is to be kind- I really do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, do you? So we can still be honest by answering the question with a question? Therapists do it all the time. How do you feel about it? Do you like your hair? Why did you buy the outfit? I find that opinion interesting and different. Honesty is a true virture. There are people, however, that are very good at lying. How do you feel when you have caught someone in a lie? For me, it is a trust issue. Rarely, do I trust that person again. I will be friendly, kind but please do not ask me to trust you. My type of honesty is to be sincere, nice, thoughtful but not to share all my deeper feelings and thoughts with everyone. If I have made a mistake, I am honest enough to admit it and honest enough to apologize. Chit chat is good too. I do not expect others to share all with me- unless I am in a counselling mode then it is confidential and will not be shared with others. There is something about an honest person. I recognize honesty anywhere, anytime. It just feels good. Have there been issues in your life with deception? Have you trusted and been deceived? Do you try to surround yourself with honest people? Do you teach honesty to your children? Are you an honest person?

ANXIETY- A QUIET CRIPPLER

Anxiety comes in many forms. We all have anxiety at times. Anxious about a test, anxious about the drive to work in a snowstorm, anxious about a new job. It is actually a healthy indicator we are alive. If you live with clinical generalized anxiety it can be a crippler. Life events can be avoided. If you find that you are too anxious about many situations that seems more than normal there are many ways to help the situation. Starting with your family doctor who may prescribe medication to help calm you. There are other avenues such as therapy that gives strategies such as deep breathing, self talk to play down the anxious moments, avoiding situations that cause anxiety does not help so trying techniques to face the situations can be activated. Anxiety does not kill us. Once the normal anxious moments are over, life does become calmer. I will have other themes on other forms of anxiety in future blogs. In my clinical experience, talking about the events that trigger your anxiety can begin to create a process that helps to resolve those areas of your life. Do you have anxious moments? What causes anxiety for you? What have you used to help you overcome your anxiety? Does your anxiety stem from fears?

BOOKS AND MORE BOOKS

In my university days one of the goals was to have a home library. My current home has a den with one wall with shelves of books. As most of us know, books grow almost like weeds. Constantly adding and outgrowing the space. I have books in many rooms of my house. My craft room has craft, knitting, card making, drawing books. My computer room has books on local history and genealogy and of course, my faithful dictionary and thesaurus. No I do not depend on Spell and Grammar check on my computer. Beside my bed are books I want to read- always a fiction and a general interest book. The kitchen has a variety of cookbooks. I have started to purge my books. Recently some psychology and books from a university history course went to a charity. Over the years I have given away some pocket books. Books are like nature- never a vacuum- give away two and three come into the house. Under the TV in the family room are the books for the grandchildren- some new and some from my children's childhood. We can sit in front of the computer to read but there is nothing more inviting than to take a book anywhere and read. Picture books, colouring books, pocketbooks, hardcover books, and the list could go on. Do you love the joy of reading? Do you read to your children or grandchildren? Are there books you have read more than once? How many rooms of your house contain books?

SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH

We all remember where we were and what we were doing. As with all relevant days in history the events are fixed in our minds- the assassination of President Kennedy, the shuttle explosion, the death of Diana and the lists goes on. The events in our own lives- the births, the deaths, the weddings, the special occassions can trigger so many thoughts and memories regardless of the years that have passed. Today let's reflect on 9/11 honouring the change to the world and to us. Do you have events that have changed your life? Remember! Give them the time they need, then back to today and the opportunity to create new memories.

POMPEII-THAT ANCIENT CITY

Visiting Pompeii - near Naples/ vicino a Napoli-on one of our trips to Italy in 1991 was one of the most rewarding tours. Over 2000 years ago when the volcano Mt. Vesuvio erupted and covered the vibrant seashore city of Pompeii, it was as if time had stood still when the site was restored. It is a huge site and walking is a necessity. The streets still have ruts from the carriages that travelled along them. I had visited the forum in Rome. It was difficult to imagine how it looked in ancient times. Pompeii gave a completely different feeling. It was as if we were in a real Roman city. There were interesting houses such as the Brothel with the various sexual positions painted on panels on the wall. Some homes had the ceramic tiles still in virbrant colours. All my life I had known about Pompeii but not until the visit did I appreciate the historic significance. When I travel, purchasing relevant literature about any locales is a must. I have had many pleasurable moments reading the details about the area especially who lived there and the function of the various buildings. Are there places you have visited that surprised you? Are there places you would love to visit again? Pompeii is defnitely a site I plan to visit again if the opportunity arises.

SAYING GOODBYE

Goodbye! See you later! It is an easy goodbye with the expectation we will see the person later. Friends move away. Goodbye! Keep in touch! See you at Christmas. Work mates leave for a new job. Let's do lunch. We let go of some friends or colleagues due to a conflict, nothing in common anymore or time just passes and the contact ends. Then there is the chance we will see them again. Death is the hardest goodbye as it is is so final. There is no second chance. We will not see that person again in this lifetime. Sudden death without any warning is even harder. Do we then treat those we love in the moment with extra care? Is there someone in your life that a goodbye would be just too painful to consider? How about hello, you mean so much to me? Is that kiss goodbye every morning more precious? Is that extra hug to the child in your life an important moment? Goodbyes can be a growth opportunity but it comes with a cost. We all need to move on and face new challenges. How many painful goodbyes have you had? I know I have had too many.

MADE IT TO FIFTY

A coincidence that this is my fiftieth blog and today I made my fiftieth blood donation to the Canada Blood Services. For every pint donated three lives are affected. Donations are those anonymous kindnesses that can be given away. There have been people in my family who needed emergency blood transfusions and the gift of a stranger was so appreciated. Recently I added donor to my Health Card which would allow my organs to be used if I were clinically deceased. Of course I really hope that occasion will not be in my near future. I felt it would take the burden off my family to have to make any tough decisions in a very emotional moment. We all have reasons to give to causes. Donations of money, food, medical supplies, basic necessities are part of many people's consciousness. It keeps us human. Do you have a cause you support? Does it bring fulfillment to give something to a stranger who will never thank you?

THE ADDRESS BOOK

Over the years our address book needs changing. Our teenage friends make way for university, work mates and relatives. Moves make new additions to our books. There are new pretty books. My current ones are Friends- with whimsical sayings about friends and Angels- notations about angels. I make entries in my book now to indicate who the people are- my cousin, my parents, my insurance agent. I have had calls from families asking who I am as the loved one has passed away and they do not have a clue about me. Some members in my family have moved so many times that whole pages have crossed out addresses. Now I put a label over the name and write in the new details- much neater. Children's names are added as Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs and family seem impersonal when they have been friends for years. Do you find you forget the name of one child out of three? So it is better to include the names. I also note when someone has died, it is interesting that as time passes it is easy to forget the date. There are two address books in the house- one by the telephone and one by the computer. Many people now use the address book or contacts in their computer, telephone or other device. I still like a hard copy as the fear of a crushing system and needing to find those names and contacts would become too tedious. The address book fills a need of belonging. Here are people important to me. I know people and they know me. Do you have people in your book who have been there for years? Do you add new ones regularly? How many different ways do you keep information about your contacts?

WEDDINGS

I love weddings. There is such a romantic feel that two people decide to love each other and be together. It takes courage to commit to a relationship. Every wedding takes so much time to plan, the details, the dress, the seating arrangements, who to invite, the speeches, the cake, the food, the drinking. Looking around the room at a wedding there is a jovial feel. Many people have met their future spouse at a wedding.So many pictures. There are the photographer's official ones but the friends, the relatives with the endless cameras and pictures click away capturing many different moments. The family group shots. Can I take a picture of the bride and groom? Can I have a picture with you? I love taking pictures at weddings as I try to look for those moments others miss. It is a wonderful time for family members to be together. The people that come from a distance to be there. My favourite pictures of my daughters' weddings are those family group shots. Have you been to a wedding lately? Do you love to take photographs? Do you let others take your picture?

HURRICANE SEASON

As the Maritimes braces for Hurricane Earl and what he will bring, it reminds me of a childhood memory- Hurricane Hazel. That Hurricane in 1954 was one of the worst natural disasters for the Toronto area for decades. It is the reason there are deep ditches in many parts of the GTA in case there is flooding again. My main memory at age 4 is my mother's panic and having to go to the basement. I think that is why she was always afraid of storms. I thought it was just my mother who had that phobia until my 30's when I had a neighbour who would come to my house if she was alone during a thunderstorm. Every area of the world and home here in Canada can be affected by natural disasters. Manitoba has its periodic floods, tornados that have touched down coast to coast, the terrible forest fires in British Columbia and of course many winter blizzards that rain havoc. Back to Hurricanes. We are usually unscathed by them. However, history does tell us otherwise. What is your memory of a natural disaster that impacted your life? Do you try to be prepared in case of an emergency situation?

CHANGES

Change is a constant in our lives. It may be why we have our routines and want some things just the way we like them. Fall follows summer even if summer if our favourite time, it must go. Back to school, turn on the furnance too soon, pull out the woolies and put away the cotton clothes. People leave your team at work, so the adjustment to new people takes energy. Sometimes I wish life would just stay constant for awhile. Too much change can bring too much anxiety and stress. Just too much variety in what needs to be done. Perhaps it is why we all have a comfort food. Something that brings some small order to our lives. My comfort food is French Fries. Don't eat them often but when needed I call it a French Fry day. Sometimes I crave them even before I realize that perhaps I am not coping as well as I thought with the current issues in my life. How do you cope with change? Do you ever just wish there would be less change in your life? Just everything slow down ! Do you have a comfort food that helps you to relax or give a false sense of security? Or it just tastes good?