MARRIAGE CANADIAN STYLE

 

 

 

Is modern marriage different from other times? Two people who claim they will love each other until death do us part, sometimes stay together and sometimes do not! Marriage can be a love relationship or just legally binding. It helps when raising children since two parents are better than one. Couples go to great lengths to plan a wedding, a home, have children,  a life together. So why do some marriages last and others not? No one gets married thinking they will divorce. However children of divorced parents have a higher chance of getting a divorce than others. It is necessary to continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. Appreciating the uniqueness of the people involved and supporting it. Being supported is important too. It can not be one way or the love and lust will diminish. Talking, loving-is more than just sex although sex is very important, laughing, respecting, listening, and wanting to be around the other person. Finding time to spend with each helps the marriage to last. Children are wonderful but they are the greatest test of a marriage and can put so much strain on a couple. So why do some marriages last? We are a disposable society and many couples dispose of their marriage when things get a little tough. Others stay and see it through all the times especially the tough times. It takes nothing to love someone when everything is good. It takes strength of character to love someone through sickness too. My marriage is going into its 43rd year. More than just loving I believe being able to laugh together is my cement! Perhaps more thought is needed on this topic! What do you think? How is your marriage going? Do you ever consider what holds it together or what would tear it apart?

WHAT IS A DAD?

As we celebrate Father's Day 2013, we ponder this special role in a family. Our biological Dad! We may have an adoptive Dad! He's the father of our children. Grandfather takes a new role. A Father figure could be a coach, teacher, boss! He's one-half of a parent set! Mom and Dad! Ma and Pa! He has different names- pere, padre, papa, babbo, daddy! If he is good at what he does, he helps to mould character and is there for you. Watches you dance, play hockey, sing at a school concert, sees you graduate or whatever activity you do! Gives a hug! Tucks you in bed! If a girl, walks you down the aisle! Divorced Dads may only have the job part of the time! They miss their kids and do want to be part of their lives. They divorce their Mom but never really divorce their children! Some Dads do more housework and cooking than others. Some are real handy men! Most like to cut the grass especially if there is a sit down lawn mover. Dads are important in children's lives! So to all the Dads out there- get to it! You have an important part in this world! Happy Father's Day!

"FAMILIES ARE LIKE FUDGE

...mostly sweet with a few nuts."Anonymous quote. I found this in an old calendar on sisters. I thought it appropriate to describe many families. After a conversation with my favourite manager at Shoppers yesterday where discussion around family and siblings occurred, this quotation seemed timely. Every family has its issues and sometimes disconnection from toxic members helps with personal survival. If a family is postive then good things do happen. Often a new in-law can be the problem. It happened in my husband's family. Trying to bend over backwards became too tiring. Distance is the best solution. Eventually, divorce made life so much better for all of us. We joke about our black sheep but often the debilitating effects are too negative. It is often said  we can pick our friends but not family! Blood is thicker than water. Like a broken engine, too much sludge is not a good thing!

DON'T LOOK TOO FAR DOWN THE ROAD

Are you facing a crisis in your life? Are there unanswered questions?

When I work with people facing a new critical illness diagnosis, trying to get pregnant, newly divorced or loss of a loved one, the therapeutic answer I usually give is " don't look too far down the road!" Thinking and trying to solve everything too soon can be overwhelming. This feeling can lead to extreme anxiety. It can immobilize! So stop and take a breath- what can you do today! Feel today! The journey will present itself slowly! As we all walk, run, ride, bike, fly on our life's road needed answers will come to us!

OUR FAMILY ROOTS

Family Day was celebrated in several provinces of Canada on Monday, February 21. It is a much needed winter break- another stat holiday and time off from work. Family can be a positive force in our lives, knowing where we belong. It can also have detrimental effects if there are unresolved family conflicts. As the family genealogist it is always interesting how there are themes throughout the generations that prevail. The number of children, baby losses, divorce, commitment to parents and the urge for change can transcend the years. Regardless of what our roots reveal, knowing about our own history is very grounding allowing us to know in this generation how our ancestors shaped us. My love of books, curiosity about history, crafts, and the need to complete my education were part of my family roots. What did you learn from your ancestors? Even connecting with cousins and second cousins can reveal the themes. For example, my cousin Roy and I seem to love photography. Was there a common ancestor that shaped this love for us?

CHILDREN OF DIVORCE

Couples divorce but children do not divorce their parents. They have a right to love both parents for the rest of their lives. Changes to the Divorce Act in Canada confirmed this concept a few years ago. As a product of divorce, the word has been a part of my consciousness for my whole life.

Aunts, uncles, siblings, brother-in-law, cousins have experienced divorce that I believe I know this subject too well. It has surrounded me. Do I like Divorce? No I do not. Is it better that children have two parents that love them? Absolutely! In my marriage, I tried very hard to make it work. I wanted my children to have something I did not. An intact family! Blended families work, step-parents work, step-siblings work. But it does cause some complications..

Divorce in the 1950's was very different than divorce today. It is more acceptable today. You are not labelled as being from a "Broken Family".

Acceptable, but equally as hard for the children. Parents separating is a loss of family, identity. The child always carries some baggage, remorse, hope for a better future. Some couples are able to talk with each other for the child's sake. However, the anger over the marriage breakdown can play out through the children. What advice can I give? Allow your child to love whoever he/she wants? Don't try to have the child take sides! Try not to say bad things about the other parent- this one is the toughest! Have you been a child of divorce? Are you with someone who is divorced and have inherited the children, grandchildren? How would you treat your children with respect and the right to love both parents?