Since the beginning of time, siblings can have rivalry. Even though there are the same parents, each child comes with an unique set of expectations. The oldest can have a sense of entitlement-well I am the oldest. Sometimes the baby of the family is seen as getting more and being spoiled. The middle child of the same sex often can feel he or she does not belong anywhere. The oldest girl, the youngest girl and the only boy can make the playing field even for example. Parents often struggle with keeping things fair and giving each child " the same". However, one child may go further in school so more money may need to be spent. Another child may have special needs so a different amount of time is needed helping that child. It is more difficult when the children are adults and still want to play their childhood resentments with their adult siblings. Look at the Bible- Cain and Able as well as the meaning of Joseph when his brothers resented him because the father gave him a beautiful coat. Some siblings do not become adult friends. Forcing family reunions and functions regularly just do not work. Letting adult children have distance on each other works. Limited family involvement may be the best answer. When children are little, there are the teaching moments of sharing, listening to each other and learning to respect each other's differences. A parent can look at any situation and really understand what brings resentment to a child. However it must be understood that some children really can think they are owed more. If one gets $1.00 and the other child gets a nickle be prepared that the child with more can still resent that other child. Sibling rivalry has destroyed families! Can it be avoided? Sometimes but sometimes not! Parents can not expect their adult children to be best friends! Encourage your children to make friends and have many social contacts in their lives. Be well rounded! Find a middle ground where children can relate. Family functions can be divided between different family groups the same way one may invite friends from different circles.
Of course, do not be a parent that wants your children to fight over you. This can occur in families where a parent always compares one child to another-setting the stage for resentment! For an elderly parent, it may be the only way to keep some control.
If there are too many conflicts-get therapy! Someone outside the family in a professional capacity can help to sort out what is causing the conflict. Remember more hours can be spent away from your siblings than with them! Since it is a touchy subject, more could be said and written. There are no definitive solutions nor answers.
"From their struggles to establish dominance over each other, siblings become tougher and more resilient. From their endless rough-housing with each other, they develop speed and agility. From their verbal sparring, they learn the difference between being clever and being hurtful. From the normal irritations of living together, they learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise. And sometimes, from their envy of each other's special abilities, they become inspired to work harder, persist and achieve" (Adele Faber).
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