NANA SAYS WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A COUPLE WHO HAVE LOST A BABY

In my Social Work career, dealing with baby loss and supporting couples who have lost a child was a major part of my job.
People mean well when it comes to baby loss they may not be so good at it. But most people do not get it. If you have not had a miscarriage, stillborn, infant loss or neonatal death, it is hard to understand the huge loss it is. It is tremendous. It is life long. A parent especially the mother will never forget any loss she has experienced.

It is common for a mother to blame herself for the loss. So one strategy I always used was looking the Mom directly in her eyes and stating you did not do anything to bring on this loss. I always tried to label the guilt feelings that would be there and take them away.
Of course each couple and situation warranted an individual approach.

So what not to say.

It was for the best. The best for whom.

You can always have another baby. Maybe. But some couples may have tried a long time for this baby. They may not have another baby. Infertility is rampant.

Maybe you are not meant to have your own children. Why not adopt!!

The baby is better as an angel with God. A Mom may tell she does not want an angel she wants her baby.

Try not to say anything but listen to what the couple tells you about how they feel. If you feel sad for them than share it

Suggestions about what they need to do belongs to the couple and not you. To bury. To cremate. Have a service. Not have a service. No right or wrong way to deal with it.

One of my sweet grandsons and I were talking about this subject last weekend. He had mentioned that one of his neighbours had lost a baby. When I spoke about what some people say, he had stated something so compassionate.

He said it was not fair. The baby did not get to have a life. Simple. A good statement. Maybe I will use it sometime.
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