WHY BOUNDARIES ARE GOOD FOR RELATIONSHIPS!

No matter how close you are to others, setting clear boundaries sustain relationships. Group think can submerge the individuals' needs. So knowing in any relationship what boundaries are necessary to sustain and nurture every one's needs. The quiet person can be overridden by the one who has the need to be the centre of attention continuously. Actually, becomes the boring person of the group or relationship because others' needs are not being met. For me I look for the quiet person. To spend time listening and learning what is needed. With groups of children, it is necessary to let each one have a turn. Recently, I wrote about alone time. Good for a relationship too. To spend time exploring alone without needing to nurture someone else. Nurture oneself so to speak!! In the home each person can have a special spot. For younger children, could be their bedroom or a playroom or even in the adult spaces a place to do stuff!! Teaching respect of each other's space or boundaries. But then again fences make good neighbours!
#fences#relationships#boundaries

NANA SAYS RAISING TEENAGERS CAN BE DIFFICULT

Being around modern teenagers is a reminder of the days I was a teenager and raising my own teenagers. Lessons, activities and homework have always been around!!  Oh yes there are gadgets, Skype, concern about cyber bullying and the constant use of cell phones, I-pods, tablets and computers but putting them aside hormones and feelings have not changed. My grandfather and father's generations went to war. Young children had jobs or part-time jobs too. Are today's youth smarter? I think not. They are exposed to more ways to gather information. But more apps on a gadget does not necessarily give more information. I have lots of apps on my gadgets and well some is useless junk! Just like junk flyers. As a parent, setting boundaries is your responsibility. All the pressures that teenagers face, your home becomes the safe haven from the world.  The gadgets can be turned off during dinner for example. But if you are a family like one witnessed eating at a restaurant recently with everyone checking their phones and no one really talking to each other as a parent you are setting an example of preference for your gadget then the people present including your own children. In other generations, no phone calls during dinner was a family rule in my home. Your friends knew not to call during the dinner hour. Teachers have a right to say turn off the gadgets during class. No texting, tweeting etc. I know I insist during a talk I give to new nurses to turn off the cell phones!! Of course I am met with looks of disdain! I don't care, I think it is rude behaviour. Well teaching and setting an example that some behaviour is rude is okay.  So do parents have an obligation to teach manners, you bet. Encouraging children to use all mediums such as reading a book, using a dictionary along with the infamous spell check, talking face to face not just through a gadget, doing math in your head without a calculator, handwriting and well listening to the sounds in your environment when walking are life's lessons. Well teenagers are argumentative. It has not changed. The yes but this and the yes but that. If the answer is no, then say no-there is no discussion. Basically, " I am the parent and you are the child!" Whether modern parents buy it, your teenager does want you to give boundaries-it keeps them safe. It lets them know there are rules. Yes the teenager must protest, it is what teenagers do. Yes you will be met, you are stupid, you do not understand me, another parent is better etc. It is what teenagers do.  I had a rule with my girls. To talk me about anything. Let me decide as the adult if the idea needed to go further. Let me as the adult give you safe guidance. I told my children to let me know if any friends were suicidal and putting themselves at risk. I told them it was better to lose a friendship then live with someone dying! Hormones run amuck! But hormones have not changed. Interest and curiosity with drugs, alcohol, smoking  and yes sex has not changed. There were times that teenagers of all generations like to drag race. Well it has not changed. Look at the odd teenage accident. I had school mates that died from such occurrences. The parent of the modern teenager just has to look at history. It was Socrates in Ancient Greece that said-what has become of the youth of today! And there were no gadgets!

NANA SAYS ENCOURAGEMENT IS THE BEST FORM OF DISCIPLINE

Children need discipline but even more encouragement and praise. Nurturing the positive attributes may take incredible patience of parents and adults around children. The little ones can push your buttons so easily. Fighting and angry screaming do take the patience of Job!! Being able to work past the down times and see the good and the sweetness of your children is what parenting entails. Teenagers are a huge challenge. Aong with finding their way in the world, there is a constant push against authority- the first ones being the parents! Setting boundaries and including children in decision making puts some ownership back to the person! Helping to make good choices and taking responsibility for the consequences. " You can drive the family car but if you get a ticket, you will not be using the car again!" is one example. If a little one writes on the wall, giving cleaning products to scrub the marks off will teach about the work involved in cleanup. Take your time and really look at a piece of art, for example. Ask about the colours and what the picture means rather than oh it looks good  without much attention. Yes the fridge, a bulletin board, a wall can become inundated with those little treasures but believe the time will pass so quickly that those children will no longer create nor want you to see their work. Listen to how your children talk! Do you ever hear your negative voice in their conversation? Do you want to hear a positive voice and comments? Your use of words that encourage and discipline do come back to haunt you! Many modern parents-not much different than parents of many generations- often will say- OMG I sound like my mother! So what you say and what you script can become messages in your children's heads! Discipline that is more encouragement helps those messages to stay positive.  

EVERYONE'S A THERAPIST

As a trained Social Worker-Therapist, it is always interesting how many people think they can do what I do. Speaking to, giving advice and knowing the right answer is not therapy. It is speaking and giving advice. In my current employment, there are many times when providing resources to a patient and/or family, there is minimal clinical depth. Other times there is a real therapeutic process occurring. Counselling is not just talking. It is a skill that comes with training, experience and continued learning. There are different theoretical bases, types of counselling and modes of intervention. Crisis counselling is different from relationship,adjustment and family counselling. Often issues are recognized but can not be addressed as a discharge is all that is being discussed. Trying to fix a family's dysfunction is not the problem of the team. Friends in social circles think they can counsel and fix their friends. Stay friends! Be a good friend but do not ever think you are a therapist! Even work colleagues think they should try to fix each other! As a therapist, my view is very clear- fix yourself first! Projecting your own issues on others, keeps the spotlight off you is a nice decoy! Be a good work colleague- kind and supportive! Remember not everyone is a therapist and does not have the same skill and professional boundaries needed to respect you and your issues. If you need a good therapist, ask your friendly Social Worker who can recommend one for you!

NANA SAYS A CHILD'S INDEPENDENCE COMES AT MANY STAGES

"Let me do it!" " I can do it!" Statements that children of all ages tell us. The defiant two year old! The five year old that wants to help with dusting! The ten year old that wants to bake a cake or mow the grass alone! The fifteen year old that does not want a ride home from a friend's house! There is always a push-pull between safety and allowing our children and grandchildren to do an activity by themselves. As adults we often see the safety consequences much clearer than a child. However, there are unnecessary risk taking adults that may actually teach bad habits to children. Sometimes, we can discourage children by saying " don't be a sissy!" All of us have our own definition of independence. There are times children need to be dependent on us. When a child is about to learn a new skill or enter a new stage, there may be some temporary regression before the surge forward. As the adult in the situation we must be aware of the child's needs. Support, encouragement, love are the key ingredients as well as setting some clear boundaries! What is your definition of independence? Dependence? Do you struggle with safe boundaries? What has worked for you?