If there was one definite answer to the question- why does my child not listen? To me! To the teacher? To the world? Actually children are always listening, just not hearing. Like most of us- the words are there but the hearing is not! Some tips- try to have conversations without anger and yelling. Hard for most parents. As discussion is repeated the tone gets louder. So take a step back and scrutinize when your child is not listening. Most times is it at transitions! Leaving for school. Leaving for a lesson. Pick up at school or day care. Remember children give their parents the worst behaviour.
As a therapist I like to use the narrative therapy approach. The problem is the problem not the person. The not listening is the problem not the child. So exploring and identifying with the child and including the child in the solution to the problem will help to find a successful resolution. Just punishing a behaviour will not work. Finding all the things your child does well and support it. Yes I hear- I am not going to praise my child every day for the things I expected him or her to do. Okay, but an opportunity may be missed. What about just a simple thank you as we teach good manners. " Thanks for a great morning!" " Thanks for getting yourself ready on time!" Children are little, you are the adult, the parent. A smile. A hug. Simple loving things with your children.
Be consistent. If you are going to reduce or stop or not have an activity due to the not listening, you better make sure you follow through on the action.
I actually experience the not listening most days in my work and it is not from children but the professional adults around me. I have learned to talk to a doctor in 2 easy sentences or less. Short to the point bullet points. Other professionals have a way of just walking away and not listening let alone hearing. So I have learned to talk to those who really want to hear what I have to say. Most of my talk is charted. So the work I do is there to read for anyone that is really interested. As for children, they talk and listen to each other. So as the parent, you listen to what your child is saying- about him or herself, the words used and what is seen in the world.
I love it when I have my grandchildren and I know they have manners. No thank you Nana. Please. May I have something. Sure there are moments even with Nana- they are just children. But I notice the transitions, the play when one child has had enough and the other wants to keep playing, who wants the control of the play, the age gap matters often and knowing when to separate children to play independently are difficult times to discipline. It is always noticed the hour before a sleepover is ending that the unruly behaviour starts. Transitions! No one said parenting would be easy- it is not. But if a huge step is taken back, your child is probably quite good and sweet most of the time, it is the difficult times that stand out. Remember children can have a hard time leaving home just like adults do. Think of how crabby many people are on the road Monday mornings. Workmates often grunt a hello. So why should children be more behaved than your average adult! If a parent hates his/her job, the energy is picked up by the child. If parents are having conflicts, the energy is picked up by the child, so it is easier for the child to have Mom and Dad mad at him or her than deal with parents not being happy! Oh the dilemma of not listening. The not listening is the problem, not the child. Are you listening?
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