NANA SAYS AVOID THE POWER STRUGGLE

It is so easy to be caught in a power struggle with little children. Argumentative adults are always looking to win a discussion, an argument or to emphaize their opinion as the right one. With children, there is an automatic power imbalance- parent/child. We need to love, discipline, and keep our children safe. When the baby becomes the toddler, then the preschooler, the room for power struggles increases. Discipline is not punishment- it is setting limits, rules and offering a consistent, safe enviroment for our children with love and compassion. Even a young child has the need to be right or to do what he/she wants to do. Bribing and threatening are not the best strategies. Children do play together well sometimes. But separating two fighting children works rather than " you must share and get along." With a little distance, they often group against the adult anyway and decide to play together. Redirection is one of my favourite strategies. Focussing on something else other than the yelling, the messing or whatever is undesirable behaviour. With my grandson, look there's a squirrel outside! When asking a child to clean up and the answer is no, I use I will wait and when you are ready! As we know waiting can be whatever time it takes. If a grandchild yells or tries to hit me, I simply say- I am not yelling at you so please do not yell at me. Children do try our patience- a lot! We are the adults so must find ways to be tolerable. As we all know movie time or better yet nap time is a great relief! What are your thoughts on power struggles? Do you have strategies in avoiding them?

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME

But the people I need to help. Many times I am asked how I can do the job I do. The emotions, the situation, the feelings. We are taught as Social Workers, Therapists to be objective. To put our feelings aside. For me, I have learnt to say this phrase in my head- it's not about me but what does this person need. It's their anger, not mine, what does it mean. By not personalizing the pain, and dealing with the pain, it allows me and other therapists to facilitate, help the person/family/situation to be given what they need, not what I need. Debriefing, talking to team members, normalizing my feelings as a caregiver help to deal with the situation after the crisis has passed. Helping others, means helping others and not projecting my feelings on a situation. I work in Health Care and it never seems to amaze me how simple it is or complex it is to be there for the other person and help them obtain what they need. I do not cry at funerals as it is about the family and allowing them to grieve. It is not about me but what I can bring to the situation to help the situation. I do shed some tears at weddings as they are happy, new beginning situations. What about you? Can you put your feelings aside to help someone? A hug! Support! It is about the other person- just be there, support, be a friend! With care, love, compassion- be human!

THE WORDS WE SAY

Can create a memory for people. I was chatting with a young nurse who had returned from her maternity leave about a case where the patient had died that both of us had involvement. She remarked that my role as the Social Worker had been more important to the family. She only supported the patient. It made me think of a time in my life where the thoughtfulness of a nurse had made the difference. My father-in-law Joe had ALS- Lou Gherig's disease for 7 years. My mother-in-law, Concetta had cared for him while sustaining a fulltime job to support herself, spouse and mother-in-law. She cared for him doing the diapers when he was bedridden the last 3 years of his life. She pureed his food as the disease had atrophied his throat and he risked choking to death every time he ate. Many of her family and friends in my husband's Italian group were not the most supportive and often quite critical. Questions like- does your house stink from a family member wearing diapers did not actually help with the situation. At the end when he was hospitalized for the last day and a half of his life, it was while we were doing the death watch- that time when you stay with the loved one until the person passes away- that an amazing memory occur. It was two experienced nurses that were supporting us during the six hours. One nurse came in to turn Joe and noticed his body and skin. She looked at my mother-in-law saying did you provide this excellent care? I was 24 years old and knew nothing about skin care and how hard it was to keep the skin intact without sores or ulcers. Sometime later another nurse remarked about the same skin and how beautiful it was. In that short time two wonderful nurses provided more support and acknowledgement about the care Mama-Concetta had given her husband for 7 years than many other close family members. The small things we say and perform stay with the people we have contacted in our lives. If you think your small kindnesses do not count, well they do. My only regret to this day is not taking the names of those two nurses. For my mother-in-law it was the most validating moments. Professionals who understood the love and care she had given. I told this story to my young colleague stating the patient and family we supported that day through their death watch will always remember the care she gave. Do you have a memory of a professional being there for you when you needed him or her? Was someone nasty and you remember the negativity? For the professionals who read this blog, do you have a story to tell?