THE WIDOW SERIES- LIFE GOES ON

 The earth revolves on its axis. Yes life goes on.

LIFE GOES ON

Did I tell you what not to say to a widow? There are so many trite comments.

But am I tired of the Life will go on.

Yeah right. Life has gone on. I get up every day. I pee. I brush my teeth. I have my first coffee.

There are activities of daily living like meals, laundry, bills to pay, make some phone calls. Pursue my interests.

This part of my life has not changed.

Being without him has changed.

The company. The intimacy. The sex. The goodnight kiss.

Just being with each other.

Being alone.

Living alone. The first time in my life I have not lived with anyone.

He asked me a first months before he died who was I going to talk with every day. I jokingly told him well you of course.

Talking aloud brings some company but it is not the same as having a partner to talk about everything and nothing. The small talk. The big talk. The silly talk.

The life that couples have. The comfort. Well the not being alone.

It did not mean we were joined at the hip. I could be in one room and he was in another. Just knowing there was someone in the house. If he ran into trouble he could yell for me. I was there. He often joked he could not help me much. But with the phone beside him as I told him he could phone 911 for me.

I did not care he could not help me physically because mentally he helped me by just being with me.

It was a content time. And a very sad time. Sad because no matter what I did for him it could not make him better.

Quality of life was the palliative approach. Eat what he liked. Drink what he liked. Watch his shows on TV when he liked.

The light was on all the time for safety for him. He could sleep with a light on anyway. But it was reassuring to know he was safe while I slept.

Sometimes I see those self help books about finding happiness. How to enjoy your life.

But what if the good bits are behind. There is not the same to expect in front of me.

No interest in a new man.

No interest in joining the widow groups.

No interest in the being ghosted. It even happened a lot with the ageism before I retired.

Seniors are ghosted all the time. Older women do not get seen. Ghosted.

But it makes it easier to people watch. Listen to conversations. If not seen, others just continue as if you are not there anyway.

Life goes on but the memories stick. The funny moments recalled. The intimacy.

A new life but not a better one. I had the better one and it is gone.

Barbara Di Mambro

February 15 2022

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