Early thoughts in my grief journey
EARLY MORNING
Warned yesterday the back hoe would be floated early today,
the noise of the float still awakened me.
Looking out the window to see the lights and worker busily
trying to do his job decided although 430 am to get up and start the day.
Made my coffee on my coffee maker. Opened the family room
curtains to see the light of day starting to make its way across the sky.
Sat in my cozy blue chair sipping my coffee.
And thinking.
What plans do I have for the day?
Not many. Two short errands to run if necessary. I could do
them tomorrow.
Thinking can hurt the brain.
The memories of a life comes crowding in. Being alone and a
widow really sucks
Trying to move forward. All the clichés. Get back to living.
Well I have been living all along. But being happy is another story.
So the early morning thoughts. Embrace the day. The small
things around me.
What would I do without the company of my birds chirping in my
backyard?
Especially my cardinal. Supposed to indicate that angels are
near. A sweet thought.
But I do not want angels near. I want my special angel near.
I want him back.
No one really knows what grief for the love of your life
really feels like.
Being a pair then being single is such a different journey.
His death was expected. It was not a surprise. He was unwell.
He was very sick. He was ready to die. He wanted to die.
So caring and being there had purpose and meaning.
Then death occurred. The duties and things to do after death.
Well most were organized prior to his passing.
Done. Then what.
He had asked me what my first bereavement trip would be. Well
during COVID a trip to the grocery store every two weeks or buying a lottery
ticket. Not much.
I really did not plan past his death. I was not giving up my
life. He was my life.
But time has marched on and now is it time to makes some plans
for me.
So back to the early morning thoughts. Start with the day. My
writing. My personal life long interests. I have so many activities to keep me
busy. But busy is not enough.
I want meaningful. I want to be happy.
Perhaps some fun. Laughter they say is good for the soul.
So I want laughter. Something funny to laugh about.
Time to get into action. Enough thinking.
Time for a joke! Three men walk into a bar!!
June 14, 2021
Barbara Di Mambro
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